I’ve been neglecting this blog

It’s hard to believe that my fall could’ve been worse than my summer but it definitely was. 
I don’t even have the energy to explain all of the fuckery that has gone on, not yet.
What I can say is that I’ve failed school, fucked up my work observation and cannot bear to be around people.
I hate almost everyone because everyone has been making me feel so alienated.
People have been using me as a place to dump all of their negativity. 

Peter and I fell in love, we dove in head first and I want to marry him.
I know I’ve said it before but this is the first time that I’ve actually meant it.
But he’s turning out just to be as abusive and every other man I’ve ever dated.
It’s quickly becoming not worth it and I’ve been preparing myself to say goodbye to him for good.

There is no hope. There is no sanctuary. There is no one who will not or has not hurt me. Purposefully or inadvertently.
I’ve had time to put my physical and mental illness in focus. I’ve been doing my best to keep myself healthy but it’s of no use when I’m dealing with non-stop abuse from either my mom or Peter. There is no one else. Everyone has enough shit to deal with.

People have been so cruel to me lately. I feel like I’m bearing the weight of the world.


There is no fucking relief.
I hate who I have become and I hate who I have been.
The percentage of my life that I spent not being an insufferable thunder cunt,
I’ve been fat and sad.
I’m incapable of not hurting anyone I love, 
I feel trapped in this body,
I feel trapped in this house.
I hate that the only reason I’m alive is because of other people.
The pain of being alive is fucking insufferable and I don’t have any other choice.

I just want to set everything on fire.