This Bitter Earth

I’m just so overwhelmed with self hate.
I feel so uncomfortable, so sick in my own skin.
Everything is in pain, everything hurts.
I wish I could just reach into my body and tear me out from underneath
All that’s left is bone and air.
I am air and this body is too heavy.

Recovery is not a straight line extrapolated from your data
Recovery is a roller coaster that I never wanted to ride in the first place
I am the shaky child pacing in the queue, too short to ride
But tiny devils set forth my misfortune.
A ticket stub overlooked; a loose screw

I am finding my place in the world,
underneath a soft and fluffy rain cloud.
Silver linings mean everything when you live a monotone life.
Varying shades of grey.

On this side of the Earth, it’s always rainy.
Our elbows have patches and our umbrellas torn.
We’ve made friends with the earthworms and epithets;
mushrooms and maggots.

My tar black heart wheezes at every dirge
My ghastly form still
Anti-you.

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