Or at the very least, just for doubting my feelings about him being a jack ass. He went to Toronto this weekend and on Friday I had one of the worst days I’ve had in a long time. I had to spend the first part of it surrounded by ignorant fucks who were being homophobic, sexist, ableists etc etc. Then, I tried to relax by going to my friend’s house. Within the first 15 fucking minutes of relaxing Silver Fox shows up, soon followed by THE OTHER GIRL THIS GUY IS SEEING. She tried so so so fucking hard to play games with me but I completely ignored her attempts to get me to join in. I think it actually frightened her, it was disconcerting I’m sure at the very least. Before she left she cut her finger on her boot but I just got the weirdest impression that she had done it on purpose. She was so dramatic and the entire ordeal was drawn out. She went out of her way to soak up as much attention she possibly could from the moment.
Anyway, I had a lovely day the next day which ended in MDMA with Paul and then going to Travis’ house to sleep. All night he had been texting me about how he missed me etc etc. But, funniest thing ever, he was hanging out with that fucking girl. Apparently jealous, tired and shitty about it he made me second choice for plans for the night. She was flirting with some other guy in front of him, playing games and making him jealous. All to just call him on the phone later in the evening, crying. God, I’m having an anxiety attack about this right now. I guess I never realized how fucking screwed this situation was until I wrote it down. I JUST texted him, I NEED TO END THIS. I deserve so much better because this story gets so much worse.
So, yeah, I went to his house, gave him a massage. He said that thing about marriage that I vaguely remember blogging about previously. Deviously cruel. The next morning, I made sure to get the fuck out of there as soon as I woke up but I just felt so shitty. He makes me feel so fucking meaningless and worthless. I went home, washed my face, got really sad. Decided to fucking suck it up and head back downtown, but because I’m weak, I decided to shoot him a text asking him if he wanted anything. I brought him a coffee, ultimately. He pretty much fucking ignored me when I walked in. I stood there awkwardly while he brushed off a thank you and then was like “Welp… I can’t stay”, him quickly rattling off a “Yeah, I know.” I couldn’t help but fucking regret my decision to bring him ANYTHING for free. But I left and he sprung to life giving me hugs and kisses, being cute. The look on Matt’s face said that he was almost sickened but desensitized by this. He must do it to every girl. Pity on the poor girls.
Anyway, I went to Peter’s house to smoke a joint with the boys, ran back home and started feeling pretty shitty about myself again. Mega-depressed. I had been warned that the come-down from MDMA was going to depress me but I really didn’t expect this. Peter texted me, so I decided to come back later in the evening and just get my mind off of it. All day, Travis had been very cute and a huge sweetheart, I gave him a polite warning not to fuck with me and it got a little awkward. Half-way through the night I got a text from him, totally out of the blue, asking if I was trying to scare off all of the boys. I was shocked and completely confused, I tried to ask him what he meant but he played it off as a joke. I still don’t believe that it was.
So, I was at Peter’s watching Enter the Void for the third time and getting baked, texting Travis. Travis is complaining about how he has been ditched by plans twice in the night (I can almost guarantee that one of these ‘plans’ was most definitely Chantelley). Later in the evening, he made a really strange comment which prompted me to ask if he was jealous that I was hanging out with Peter. He said “No” at first, but it was very clear that he was lying. He’s surprisingly bad at lying. Even in text form. Then I get a text “Well, someone once told me that a little jealousy is cute.” Oh! “Smooth!”, I said. It was true, he played it off quite well. He tried to bug me for a bit to explain why but I refused. Then he tried to put on some thick bullshit like, “I’m just jealous that you’re hanging out with the boys and not cuddling with me!”. To which, I replied, “Yeah, because that would make me your third plans this evening…flattering.” to which he then replied, “Well, you weren’t a plan at all, so… no?”. Wow, just fucking wow. I just sent, “Wow, even more flattering!”. He tried to back peddle but it really did not work. We awkwardly bantered about other things and then I just stopped replying. For two days.
God, I’m such a fucking fool to think that I was even in control of this situation at ANY point. The sex was great, the cuddles/human contact are great but I guess I hadn’t realized how hard I was being fucking played. If I’m as fucking “incredible” “amazing” blah blah superlatives as he likes to talk me up to be, how am I not the first fucking person he wants to see when he gets back from out of town. Or the first fucking plans of the goddamn night?! He is entitled to his own, separate social life but if he was as into me as I was into him, he would want to spend time with me. It’s really the BARE minimum to ask of ANY kind of relationship, be it platonic, romantic or purely physical. And that fucking stings. I mean, a lot.
Last night was probably one of the worst nights I’ve had in a really long time, emotionally. I wanted to curl up next to him to cry but I couldn’t even text him because THAT WOULD’VE BEEN LETTING HIM WIN. I wanted to die, and when you’re in moments like that, the very least you can expect of someone is to fucking be there for you. But I knew he wasn’t and would not have been. He is not worth all of the pain he causes me. Honestly, just fucking knowing him makes me feel worthless, shitty and sad. Incredibly sad.
I’m waiting for his plans to clear up tonight so I can tell him in person we can no longer be ‘seeing’ each other romantically. Good fucking riddance.
P.S. If he doesn’t give me my fucking lipstick I will cut him.