Things have changed, but ultimately stay the same.

I slept with him. It was actually fucking great, I’m very glad I did. I’d like to do it again soon. He confuses the mother-loving shit out of me though. Sometimes he is so loving, affectionate and sweet. Other times he is so cold and self serving. It’s just a constant hot/cold situation and I don’t really know how to deal with it. I care about him a lot romantically, but in the end I know I’m worth more. He makes me so incredibly sad sometimes. 

Last night he just blurted out that we should just run away together. Something along the lines of “Fuck marriage, I don’t need no piece of paper to tell me who I love! Let’s just go and run away together forever.” I thought that was so sweet. But also, so cruel. It’s one thing to have a physical relationship with someone but another to dangle romance in front of them. I’m sure he was joking, but still. I didn’t buy into it, I didn’t give him the satisfaction of melting when he said it. I just played it off with a joke. 

He has a genuinely good heart, but he’s so clouded by his immaturity and self-serving attitude. Those who do not learn from their mistakes are destined to repeat them. I feel that’s kind of where he is in life right now. It’s sad. It’s such a waste. What a goddamn fucking fool.

The fact that he fucks and flirts with other girls actually hurts, quite a bit. Normally, I’m quite alright with even my boyfriends fucking other women, but it’s all about mind set and attitude. For it to be healthy, there need to be boundaries agreed upon, trust, comfort zones. Now, he’s just being selfish and reckless. He tries to play it up to me like these girls are fleeting and unimportant to him. If they were, he wouldn’t get out of bed with me in it to go meet another girl. He wouldn’t be flirting with them in texts when I’m beside him. Fucking me a few days after the others. I’m not stupid and I am better than that. I’m doing my best to keep reminding me that he is just a dick to ride, a warm body to sleep next to. But deep down I know I like him more than that, not even deep down, it’s entirely evident. But relationships should not make you feel this bad. They are supposed to make you feel happy, loved, safe and supported. I feel none of these things. 

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